what?

Oh my gosh, I just can't tell my boyfriend how nervous and unsure I am in dealing with the relationship, I can see that he's doing his best to make me happy but still the uncertainty in my heart creeps in. I know that I need him and that I have a feelings for him but you know the past continues to cloud in my mind. My nasty and freaking past. Maybe I can call myself an autistic because you know I am naturally secretive and that I have my own world that me alone knows. It is hard for me to get real sometimes because you know I am afraid of being rejected and misunderstood. It is maybe because I am hiding a secret from my family and from my boyfriend. It is maybe because I am still a child deep inside who still wants to wander in life. The fear of the unknown. What the future lies? As always, computer has always been my confidant on how I feel. The transitions of my life are so fast because you know, life is always a matter of decision-making. I want to thank my family who supports me financially. In the long run, maybe I have to change again. What? I can say that, people change because of their needs to change. How I wish, to have a friend wherein I can be who I want to be. To be imprisoned in a fake world, is a bit of a trial. Getting real is a battle. Another thing is acceptance. Good for you, if you are being accepted. Emotions, imprisoned emotions. I don't know. We are in a sea of people. Deciding for myself, hahaha, I'm getting old. Are you afraid? Afraid of the unknown. The fear of death.

This is another scrap of ideas floating in my brain....
I have a dream of becoming a writer but I'm not that experienced enough to finish one book. But actually I like to become a writer and I have published one. Hahaha. Just one copy, for myself. Entitled, Fate, faith and the becoming. Hahaha. I wish to write books, songs and poems.

That's all


Maceh#03

The Daily Routines

Life is like a jungle, you just do everything to survive and you have to follow the rules in order to avoid conflict. What I see in life, is that, all people are still finding with their resting place. A place that you call your own, wherein you can do what you want without any restrictions. As I continue living, nothing's change, still haunted with your past. That mistake that almost take my life. What I did is just standing firm on what I believe in, because I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and Lord so I defended my faith but I did not know what's behind all those things that they are saying to me. I just needed to find security, to call my own. I already said all the truth but still not enough and lies but still not enough. I think my existence is being questioned. They just can't get it that I wanted to survive too. I am poor and I don't have connections to any celebrities or politicians. What a wasted life I have... When I was a kid, my only problem is how to get a better grades in school... but now I need to fight for my validity and reliability, that I too was capable. I wanted to say to them, that I too has the right to live... No matter how high I reached , I am still stuck with the reality that I am only a poor kid... I need to strive in order to have food... I too have a dream for myself... They wanted to know about my reality. My reality is boring because I have nothing, I only have myself. In my 32 years of existence, I feel like, I ride in a roller coaster ride, Sometimes I am down and sometimes I'm on up, what I did is that I just refuse to die yet... maybe I needed to change my character, from being secretive to loud, I don't know exactly how to fit in, to be secretive or loud, I am always changing but still not enough, I think I lost all of my goodness and have embraced evil. I became the devil and it is too scary. Maybe in the other part of the world. I have my place too wherein I do not need to change. Wherein I can be myself without being afraid to be judged. Maybe if I expose myself, I have the chance to be happy and be myself without acting. I miss my old self but life is like this, you have to go with the flow, you have to fight. My family doesn't believe me so I have to fake myself. Nobody believed me. I am faking from my family because they don't believe in me, they just say that I am crazy. It is hard to be alone so I get caught. Maybe if I have a friend that can be with me but anyway I can a friend because I am friendly. At first, I am a devoted Christian and I fought for my belief and then it is not right and now that I am a nominal Christian, it is still not right. My religion is everything to me before but they wanted to disprove it. I changed. After I changed, still the same. Haunted.


Thank God I survived...

The Seasons of my Life

Meeting you is like embracing disaster
Loving you is like conniving with death
The pain and the sorrow that you gave me
Is like putting me to the edge

I've learned my life living alone
But crimson gray heaven
opened up a new light
Someone new is coming

Fantasy is not that bad
As long as you know how to
Separate reality from fantasy
Secret things comes alive
In a room filled with love potions

The crimson gray heaven is finally blue
The violent storm calms
With the help of your loving arms
The blazing fire of hatred
Has finally become lush color green


Maceh #03
06/12/2017

You know what, I got a lot of invisible friends...

At first, I got one invisible friend and he's really nice and I thought his name is Gagan Dubey and we got a love affair and then something went wrong and I drove him away because he had been my liability... After that I was alone and just surviving daily... After a few months he came back and I hug him and kissed him because he came and I forgot to let others know about it... the two of us had been happy for a couple of months and then something went wrong again so I decided to just leave him alone and I never know that it will be that scary... then after a month of painful days... I got a bunch of really nice friends... well, they're nice to me now and I am so thankful for their kindness... and I wanted to pay respect because they really saved my life from hell... even though my life is just like a puff of little smoke they still valued it... actually I promised to work hard to pay for their kindness... because before some people tell me that I need to pay my debts... well now maybe my debts is a lot bigger...
This is so stupid...
Never mind reading it...

Thank you,

Maceh #03

what if

what will you do if you get trapped in the middle of every channel like Channel 2, Channel 5, Channel 7, Channel 9, Channel 11, Channel 21...
Everything you do they knew it... and in every channel you were posted and featured...
whatever channel you turned on you were being featured... how are you going to survive there?

Nena's Trouble

Nena had a career as a public high school teacher in the town where is currently living. She's living with her family and she's quite happy and contented with that. But Nena has one problem left, she has no boyfriend yet. She has a quite and contented life with her family plus a very good career but everything has changed when she met a mysterious guy in facebook that gave her a lot of problem. They had exchanged of sweet messages in chat and the guy even proposed to her where she said yes. Nena always send enticing and though-provoking messages to the mysterious guy and that leads to their sweet moments together. They always had sex whenever they feel the urgency to do so. They always had sex at night, they had sex in school, they had sex everywhere and whenever they want to. Nena is now very happy because at last her life is complete, a nice family and happy love life and sex life. Nena suddenly noticed that what she saw on T.V. is actually happening to her in real life and she can relate to it. Nena reacted to every scenario on T.V. with all her heart but when she doesn't like it she is very angry. One thing that is going on in her mind is that whenever she had sex with the guy the economy goes high in their country that drives her more to have sex contact with the guy until she can hear on radio that she's being called "nakatira sa piggery" and that drives her mad. On T.V. she's being called "exhibitionist" and "palamunin". Nena is very angry with all these things. I must mention this part; actually she really meant to be angy to drive out the foreign people so that the success that her country has will be felt solely by her countrymen. Whenever she's angry at some news, what's actually going on in her mind is to give all the credit to the people. Inside Nena's mind is the welfare of the economy and the people. But when she's called "parausan" she's actually very angry with that. The day has come that she drive away the guy because of what she heard "parausan". She angrily slam the doors, punch the walls with her fist and cursing the guy saying "kahit pagmamay-ari mo pa ang kalahati ng mundo wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka sa buhay ko". She rebuked the guy very angrily and drive him away and later on the guy left her. During those times when the guy left her she go to church as her refuge, she worked there as caretaker. She actually met several guys that became her boyfriend. She actually met them in facebook again. Before, I go any further, Nena has been sentenced to death by several companies who knew her life and also knew her cursing and all of her sexual activities with the guy. In every companies, they are actually running after her to take away her life. The refuge of Nena is her cellphone. In that gadget, she typed in everything that is happening to her while is calling for help. The death sentence given to her is death by vehicular accident and her body also specifically the respiratory system and digestive system has been damaged because of the curses that she received. Due to the fact that she typed in everything that happened to her in cellphone she was miraculously saved from any harm and most importantly the guy came back into her life. But before the guy came back while Nena is still lonely and in need of helpand rescue, several companies is still doing their daily routine of cursing, mocking and burning Nena to death. They actually wanted her to die. Suddenly the guy came back and Nena is very happy. At least now she has someone to lean on. The two go back as lovers and something is happening between them every night. Nena explained everything that happened to her to the guy and the guy is her rescue aside from several supporters that she had gained. Nena and the guy became even closer because they are now friends and lovers. While Nena and the guy are enjoying so much of their company, someone told Nena that the house where she is living has ghosts and these cause Nena to fear and panic. Nena said, she hated ghosts and after a few days Nena suffered asphyxia or breathing difficulty. But before that, Nena had said that she wished to die in order to see the guy. Because at that time Nena was deeply in love with the guy she planned to commit suicide but she cannot do it that's why she concluded that she is not really in love with the guy. Her plans of committing suicide is being hindered by her fear of death.

            Nena's trouble is actually fear of death since her death is pre-arranged by some people that gives her more reason to be afraid of death. 

THE END #03

Have you Ever?

Have you ever been betrayed by the one you called "friend". Even though you did what they wanted you to do but still you are present in their gossips. You are a friend to them in their time of distress and you even get drunk and became nasty just to be one of them. You never betrayed them not even once and you never talk behind their backs and you deal with them with all honesty but still they find you unworthy of their friendship. Well, maybe I am just stupid of choosing those people, maybe I had a bad idea of joining them. After all the lesson learned of being betrayed by a friend and then you find later that maybe with a stranger you will feel good enough for them and yes indeed you are very good enough to the point that they will take advantage of you being naive and you will get raped. Then later on, after all the lessons learned you just live a life that is aloof to any person and you built a tall wall between anybody and no one should know what is inside you. What a demise! I exclaimed, Then later on you find happiness of you being alone with some mysterious guy but then later on that special world that you had with that mysterious guy had been hacked by a lot of people and your life is not just in danger but you are already facing death. It is a normal response to get angry when your life is being read and being talked about daily even if you did not want to be one of them in their world and what you wanted is just to be happy with that special world with the mysterious guy. You became happy with that mysterious guy and wanting him more but in your surprise your being caught up in a surveillance camera wherein you cannot get angry because you will be called a mad woman. No matter how angry you are, you still cannot hide nor run because they will still find a way to run after you. No matter how mad you are, you still cannot fight them because they are just too many and it is impossible for you to survive. Have you ever faced death alone? In this loneliness, nobody understands you. You just texted and delivered a message hoping that your fear will be heard by a lot of people. You're being mocked, accused, bullied and your existence is about to end. Your death has been proclaimed already and that is death by an accident. In every travel that you have your heart pounds like it is your last breath because you know that is the way of your death and your brain knew that, that is your way of death. You cannot share it to your family because they will not understand and they will just think that I am out of my mind. I have to act like everything is alright and nothing bad is happening so that I will have a smooth communication with my family. I have to act like nothing is wrong in order to avoid panic and disorder in my life but in my body I carried it all. My nose, my neck, my respiratory system is in trouble already but I did not make any noise because nobody will understand because for them I am the criminal. I did not make any noise or whatever in order to avoid trouble to my family. I bear everything to my body, every accusation, every curse, every evil thing that is against me, I bear it all to my body. I wanted to die already but I am afraid to die. Have you thought that death will be your hiding place because being alive will no longer give you happiness. This is the secret that I have. The secret is burden. The burden to keep on living because you are afraid to die. I kept it secret because I do not want my family to be in trouble.

           Have you ever been in this situation? It is quite tiring and exhausting and what you would do is just to keep quite and pretend everyday that everything is alright because if ever that you will react on some matter your family member would say that you are out of your mind. 

REMINDER:  You cannot fight alone but being alone can keep your senses in  a normal condition...

    

The Roller Coaster Ride

This is the story of an adventurer named Ana in a jungle full of mysterious animals and creepy inhabitants of this forest. When Ana is just 7 years old she already encountered a beast who beats her to death because she wanted to protect her sister Elsa from her enemies/playmates. Thanks to God because an old woman rescued her from the beast who beat her. The childhood of Ana and Elsa in that jungle is quite interesting and funny because they were able to play with all the kinds of animals that were present in that forest. The monkeys, dogs and cats were their best friends and they have memories together. Due to the need to sustain their daily needs Ana and her mother worked in a refreshment cafe or halu-haloan in that jungle. They worked hard there while Ana had to stop from schooling because they can't afford for it. There is no opportunity there that's why Ana and her mother transferred to another relative who owns a bakery store. They also worked their for awhile and since they felt that life is not improving in that place they look for a greener pasture so due to that they transferred to the city where it seemed life will give them a brighter future. Even though at first it is quite risky and they have no clue of what's gonna happen in their lives they lived their for a couple of years and that means settling in there for a long period of time. Thank God Ana is a gifted student and so she belonged to a pilot section consistently during high school and in college she received several awards and accomplishments. Life is really hard for Ana so she needs to do something in order to support her studies in college. After graduating high school, she decided to have a job as a nanny and a car wash girl. The task is so big for her so she resigned and transferred to another boss who owns a Learning Center. Again, Ana is in the duty of carrying the burden of the task of finishing studies up to college in order to help the family who is living under the grace of the Lord. Ana do the tasks like mopping the floor, washing dishes, washing clothes and cleaning the bathroom and sometimes she is a tutor and teacher-aid to the owner of the Learning Center. Ana graduated college with high grades and high moral because she knew that she worked hard for it. Her boss died before she graduated college. After that long and very tiring journey of carrying out the task of finishing college and to have a nice job in order to help the family, finally Ana had a job in a Lending Company. She worked there with ease and with controversy due to the fact that she had a crush on someone. While working in the lending she finds time to review for the upcoming Board Exam for Teachers and luckily she passed the Board Exam in just one take. For this reason, she resigned in the Lending Company and pursued her course taken while in college since she passed the Board Exam. Ana became a teacher in a public high school. Even though she felt that she's not that ready for the task of being a teacher the most important thing is that she did her best for the students. Another controversy in her life breaks in when she had an affair with her 4th year high school student. Because of the above mentioned reasoned she transferred to another school in order to have a new environment which is far from the judgmental people. Since Ana is longing for a supposedly lifetime partner in her life, she had an affair with a guy who she had met in the internet. Ana sends foul messages to the guy which is very enticing to the guy that provokes sensual activities. And yes, she had an affair with that mysterious guy and every night something is happening between the two of them. This is the spark of the life threatening event in her life. She almost lost her mind because she wanted to get away from those people who are placing her in a surveillance. This is the problem which is almost impossible to solve because she feels like she is battling against the world and she had to work hard just to continue existing in this world. Thank God because she had a nice family and she never lost support from them because she did not tell them of their true condition which is on the verge of a family massacre and that means death to the entire clan. Ana again worked as an admin. assistant in a church who also had the responsibility of cleaning and manning the church. Thank God because she is receiving a certain amount of money as a caretaker of the church. After several month of being alone, fighting alone in order to continue existing, the mysterious guy returned to the life of Ana. This time around, Ana gave her heart out to the guy and the mysterious guy gave his everything in return. They were in love to each other and planned to stay together whenever possible. The two of them still fights for the love that they have but this time around Ana is uncertain to her feelings because this means death to her. The events of Ana's life is quite detrimental, spooky and mysterious but still Ana is living under the grace of the Lord while others is still trying to end the life Ana. By the way, Ana has a new career now and it is in call center.


The End.