what?

Oh my gosh, I just can't tell my boyfriend how nervous and unsure I am in dealing with the relationship, I can see that he's doing his best to make me happy but still the uncertainty in my heart creeps in. I know that I need him and that I have a feelings for him but you know the past continues to cloud in my mind. My nasty and freaking past. Maybe I can call myself an autistic because you know I am naturally secretive and that I have my own world that me alone knows. It is hard for me to get real sometimes because you know I am afraid of being rejected and misunderstood. It is maybe because I am hiding a secret from my family and from my boyfriend. It is maybe because I am still a child deep inside who still wants to wander in life. The fear of the unknown. What the future lies? As always, computer has always been my confidant on how I feel. The transitions of my life are so fast because you know, life is always a matter of decision-making. I want to thank my family who supports me financially. In the long run, maybe I have to change again. What? I can say that, people change because of their needs to change. How I wish, to have a friend wherein I can be who I want to be. To be imprisoned in a fake world, is a bit of a trial. Getting real is a battle. Another thing is acceptance. Good for you, if you are being accepted. Emotions, imprisoned emotions. I don't know. We are in a sea of people. Deciding for myself, hahaha, I'm getting old. Are you afraid? Afraid of the unknown. The fear of death.

This is another scrap of ideas floating in my brain....
I have a dream of becoming a writer but I'm not that experienced enough to finish one book. But actually I like to become a writer and I have published one. Hahaha. Just one copy, for myself. Entitled, Fate, faith and the becoming. Hahaha. I wish to write books, songs and poems.

That's all


Maceh#03