I WANT YOU TO BE MINE

I WANT YOU TO BE MINE

The first time I saw you

I felt love you’re the reason of my smile

I forgot my problems for awhile

You got me and turned it into white

You are the light of my dark world

Please don’t turn your back on me

Because you’re the inspiration of my life

Even though I die my heart will still beat for you

Even though you’re far from me

Don’t worry coz love knows no boundary

I love you no matter where you are

I will fight my sickness to make you happy

We will grow old together

And there’s nothing we can’t bear

Cause I will fight for you

And I will not stop till I see you smile

You are the air that I breathe

Your kiss is the fresh morning breeze

Yes, I want you to be mine

Your scent is the aroma of my soul

Your smile is the sunshine of my world

Every time you touch me the world stops turning

My body and my whole being

Is only dedicated to you

Cause you own my heart and my smile

I will give everything to you

Just don’t leave me while I’m blue

Cause maybe I’ll forget how to breathe

Maceh#03

DESTINATION

DESTINATION

WHERE AM I GOING?

AM I LOST?

While I’m on my mission of travelling in this world

All I want is a house to peacefully dwell

I don’t need your presence anymore

My heart is already sold to someone else

Your gold means nothing to me

It sucks my blood and my bones

Oh my gosh why all these things happen to me

Where I should I start my story?

Upon entering into this fallen world

I have no idea of what’s in it

All I have is a family

Who loves me through thick and thin…

I am not a martyr to save you of your misery

I am only human that is capable of getting hurt too

So don’t lean on me like I have to pay you

Of your false humility and kindness

Oh destiny, my destiny

Where do I start, when I should end this?

I’ve been miserable of getting the answers

Why all these things happen to me?

My luck strikes like a magnet

Yes, I want you so stay beside me…

Oh life!

Oh life!

What the fuck is it?

Everything seems so perfect

But it is only a make believe

One single mistake

All your illusions will be erased

To lift a hand is not an option

To offer a bribe is the only thing

That can sway the mouth of the lions

Who are you anyway?

Why are you blocking my way?

Are you an enemy or a friend?

Why are you acting like god?

Do you handle the destiny of my life?

With all of my efforts

I still come empty handed

Why the hell is it?

Thieves get into my house

No matter how I state my testimony

Their minds are keen on holding my neck to break it

What is going on my friend?

Did I ever rob you of your goods?

If ever that I hurt you

I think I already paid you

What you want is not money

All you want is my life

I hope that you hear this cry

Deep in my heart I wanna die

But to know that you will be happy without me

I think I still have reason to live

Maceh#03

what?

Oh my gosh, I just can't tell my boyfriend how nervous and unsure I am in dealing with the relationship, I can see that he's doing his best to make me happy but still the uncertainty in my heart creeps in. I know that I need him and that I have a feelings for him but you know the past continues to cloud in my mind. My nasty and freaking past. Maybe I can call myself an autistic because you know I am naturally secretive and that I have my own world that me alone knows. It is hard for me to get real sometimes because you know I am afraid of being rejected and misunderstood. It is maybe because I am hiding a secret from my family and from my boyfriend. It is maybe because I am still a child deep inside who still wants to wander in life. The fear of the unknown. What the future lies? As always, computer has always been my confidant on how I feel. The transitions of my life are so fast because you know, life is always a matter of decision-making. I want to thank my family who supports me financially. In the long run, maybe I have to change again. What? I can say that, people change because of their needs to change. How I wish, to have a friend wherein I can be who I want to be. To be imprisoned in a fake world, is a bit of a trial. Getting real is a battle. Another thing is acceptance. Good for you, if you are being accepted. Emotions, imprisoned emotions. I don't know. We are in a sea of people. Deciding for myself, hahaha, I'm getting old. Are you afraid? Afraid of the unknown. The fear of death.

This is another scrap of ideas floating in my brain....
I have a dream of becoming a writer but I'm not that experienced enough to finish one book. But actually I like to become a writer and I have published one. Hahaha. Just one copy, for myself. Entitled, Fate, faith and the becoming. Hahaha. I wish to write books, songs and poems.

That's all


Maceh#03

The Daily Routines

Life is like a jungle, you just do everything to survive and you have to follow the rules in order to avoid conflict. What I see in life, is that, all people are still finding with their resting place. A place that you call your own, wherein you can do what you want without any restrictions. As I continue living, nothing's change, still haunted with your past. That mistake that almost take my life. What I did is just standing firm on what I believe in, because I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and Lord so I defended my faith but I did not know what's behind all those things that they are saying to me. I just needed to find security, to call my own. I already said all the truth but still not enough and lies but still not enough. I think my existence is being questioned. They just can't get it that I wanted to survive too. I am poor and I don't have connections to any celebrities or politicians. What a wasted life I have... When I was a kid, my only problem is how to get a better grades in school... but now I need to fight for my validity and reliability, that I too was capable. I wanted to say to them, that I too has the right to live... No matter how high I reached , I am still stuck with the reality that I am only a poor kid... I need to strive in order to have food... I too have a dream for myself... They wanted to know about my reality. My reality is boring because I have nothing, I only have myself. In my 32 years of existence, I feel like, I ride in a roller coaster ride, Sometimes I am down and sometimes I'm on up, what I did is that I just refuse to die yet... maybe I needed to change my character, from being secretive to loud, I don't know exactly how to fit in, to be secretive or loud, I am always changing but still not enough, I think I lost all of my goodness and have embraced evil. I became the devil and it is too scary. Maybe in the other part of the world. I have my place too wherein I do not need to change. Wherein I can be myself without being afraid to be judged. Maybe if I expose myself, I have the chance to be happy and be myself without acting. I miss my old self but life is like this, you have to go with the flow, you have to fight. My family doesn't believe me so I have to fake myself. Nobody believed me. I am faking from my family because they don't believe in me, they just say that I am crazy. It is hard to be alone so I get caught. Maybe if I have a friend that can be with me but anyway I can a friend because I am friendly. At first, I am a devoted Christian and I fought for my belief and then it is not right and now that I am a nominal Christian, it is still not right. My religion is everything to me before but they wanted to disprove it. I changed. After I changed, still the same. Haunted.


Thank God I survived...

The Seasons of my Life

Meeting you is like embracing disaster
Loving you is like conniving with death
The pain and the sorrow that you gave me
Is like putting me to the edge

I've learned my life living alone
But crimson gray heaven
opened up a new light
Someone new is coming

Fantasy is not that bad
As long as you know how to
Separate reality from fantasy
Secret things comes alive
In a room filled with love potions

The crimson gray heaven is finally blue
The violent storm calms
With the help of your loving arms
The blazing fire of hatred
Has finally become lush color green


Maceh #03
06/12/2017

You know what, I got a lot of invisible friends...

At first, I got one invisible friend and he's really nice and I thought his name is Gagan Dubey and we got a love affair and then something went wrong and I drove him away because he had been my liability... After that I was alone and just surviving daily... After a few months he came back and I hug him and kissed him because he came and I forgot to let others know about it... the two of us had been happy for a couple of months and then something went wrong again so I decided to just leave him alone and I never know that it will be that scary... then after a month of painful days... I got a bunch of really nice friends... well, they're nice to me now and I am so thankful for their kindness... and I wanted to pay respect because they really saved my life from hell... even though my life is just like a puff of little smoke they still valued it... actually I promised to work hard to pay for their kindness... because before some people tell me that I need to pay my debts... well now maybe my debts is a lot bigger...
This is so stupid...
Never mind reading it...

Thank you,

Maceh #03